Tales of the Parodyverse

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CrazySugarFreakBoy!
Sun Dec 10, 2006 at 09:44:43 am EST
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Untold Tales of the Junior Lair Legion: Strangers in a Strange Land
Originally
#297: Untold Tales of the Junior Lair Legion: Where No Juniors Have Gone Before
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Spring break comes early from... the Hooded Hood.
Fri Dec 08, 2006 at 04:10:24 am EST
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Untold Tales of the Junior Lair Legion: Strangers in a Strange Land


Christopher “Kit” Kipling, Captain Courageous: I’m starting to suspect that all of us might be even more overdue for rest and recreation than I’d previously believed. Just now, I had a brief mental image of myself and Anna, attending a wedding in costume.

“Glitch,” the GlitchedGizmoRiotgrrlRobot!: Really? And here I thought you’d shut your eyes and clutched the temples of your forehead as a reaction to me removing my armor.

Kit: Well, that could certainly be another cause of my stress-induced headache, since I still fail to see why you need to work in the nude, to hack into the ship’s computers.

Glitch: Accessing the proper I/O ports on my anatomy is more important than preserving my modesty or your sense of decorum. Besides, I’m betting you’ve already seen pinker, fleshier versions of even my most … intimately female body parts on your own girlfriend.

Kit: In her case, they’re brown, not pink, and I only saw them because I made the mistake of walking into the bathroom too soon … not that it’s any of your business.

Glitch: Heh. Haven’t plugged it into her outlet yet, huh? Hey, I still haven’t popped the seal on my own socket. At least you have a partner to interface with eventually.

Kit: You’re a … virgin as well, then? In spite of your remarkably humanoid appearance and behavior, it remains difficult for me to conceive of androids as sexual beings -

Glitch: Don’t call me an android. It’s ignorant and offensive.

Kit: Oh! I apologize sincerely, but I honestly thought that was the most accurate term.

Glitch: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you. It’s just … “android” implies an automaton, one somehow … lesser than an organic life form, to the extent that it’s often assumed to be devoid of a spark … what you might call a “soul.” Among my peoples, it’s a word with a lot of bad energy behind it. It’d be like looking at your girlfriend’s biologically and regionally derived racial and ethnic characteristics, and calling her -

Kit: Okay, point taken. Every time I begin to feel like the foreign exchange student of the bunch, I’m reminded that we’re all fairly far afield from our homes and cultures.

Glitch: Except that, aside from assorted “super-powers” and origins that occasionally detour through Terran-based conceptual realms, the rest of you are all essentially humans from the planet Earth. Plus, other than Jasper, everyone else has already called dibs on all the best archetypes from The Breakfast Club. Kerry is the Ally Sheedy basket case, Samantha is the Molly Ringwald princess, Harlagaz is the Emilio Estevez athlete, Danny is the Judd Nelson criminal, and you’re the Anthony Michael Hall brain.

Kit: It’s hardly an exact match, though, between those characters and ourselves. If I remember the movie right, Kerry and Harlagaz both share just as many similarities with the juvenile delinquent played by Nelson, while my roommate has accused me, on more than one occasion, of resembling the “jock,” as he deemed him, essayed by Estevez. If it will actually make you feel better, you’re every bit as rebellious, unbalanced and … well, “nerdy” as Nelson, Sheedy and Hall’s portrayals, all put together.

Glitch: You smooth-talker, you. Hang on, I’m almost done reformatting the command drives, and I have a quick encrypted transmission that I want to send out on the Parody Master’s communication network, too. It’s an Internet meme virus, programmed to spam out any systems that receive it, by self-replicating until it overloads their available memories, after which it’ll hijack their broadcast channels to beam itself out again. It won’t take them long to debug it, but it should slow them down enough to buy us some response time, during which all their visual data will be overridden by the same image …



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